Should I change schools?

Question: My daughter has been bullied since the beginning of the school year. It has become so bad that she wants to change schools. What do you think?
Answer: We are so sorry that your daughter is having trouble with bullies. It is just awful when someone upsets our children and all we want is to take away everything that hurts them. Unfortunately our experience is that if your child is being bullied in one school, it is quite likely they may be bullied when they change schools. This is why we use a two-pronged approach to bullying, and this is set out in our book, freefrombullies.

Firstly, we want the bullying to stop and, secondly, we want children to become bully proofed so even if it does happen again, they know how to cope with it – and because they are coping they do not feel the need to change schools and add even more stress to their lives.

Here is our suggestion. Stay calm, (no matter how upset you are feeling inside) try not to let your upset show too much. You want to convey to your daughter that you are in control and together you are going to take back control from the bullies.

Although you would like to see the bullies punished, and maybe even made to feel as bad as your daughter does, this is secondary to the most important thing - stopping the bullying. This may even mean that to a certain extent the bullies 'get away with it' but it may be you need to live with that to get the bullying to stop. The most successful school programs recommend an approach that is non confrontational.

We think that bullying needs to be reported. The problem is that sometimes we feel so emotional when we are reporting, that the message we want to convey - we want the bullying to stop - gets lost.

So, now to the specific steps:

1. Document the bullying - who is actually doing it, when is it happening, what is the nature of the bullying, how is this affecting your daughter? Write this down ready to take to the teacher.
2. Make an appointment to see your daughter's teacher.
3. While you are waiting for the appointment, discuss with your daughter things she can do to ignore the bullying.
4. Ask her to practice what to do if she is bullied. She should say something like, "I feel very sad when you say bad things about me. I want you to stop." The bullies may laugh when she says this or continue saying something mean. Tell her not to lash out at the bullies or try to argue with them. Bullies love this. Just say again "I feel very sad that you think like that. I want you to stop." Then she should walk away. Maybe this hasn't stopped the bullying at this stage, but your daughter now has some control. Also, because of her behaviour, the teacher cannot accuse her of provoking the bullying by answering back aggressively.
5. See the teacher. Have your documented information about the bullying with you. Be pleasant but firm. Don't threaten. Calmly tell the teacher that your daughter is being bullied, show her the evidence (but make sure you keep a copy) and tell her you want it stopped. Follow the process in the book about reporting to the teacher.
6. After the meeting document what was said and send a letter to the teacher - see the bonus letter to the teacher, and part B of the ebook.
7. Give the teacher 48 hours to carry out the actions discussed at the meeting with you.
8. If nothing happens work up the chain, to principal and higher authorities.

If you work through all of the steps you should see your daughter taking back control of what happens to her and thus feeling less anxious to change schools.

Unfortunately, there is no quick fix. You do need to work through the whole process. Remember the first and most important thing is to get the bullying stopped. The next thing you want is to help your daughter get her confidence back and be happy at school.

There is no guarantee that the bullying won't get worse but this is unlikely if you and your daughter stay calm and use a 'no blame' approach. We also know that as children get older and are more able to cope, bullying actually gets less.

It is important to stop the bullying, however, bullying does sap the confidence of the victim and it can have long term effects. This is why we keep on mentioning 'control'. You might stop this bullying problem only to have another arise, or change schools and find there are bullies at the new school. You can't control this but you can control how your daughter reacts. If you can give her the skills to deal with bullies by using assertive, not aggressive, behaviour, use strategies to improve her self esteem, help her find a good friend and use all of the other strategies in the book we hope that she will be bully proofed for life.

We do hope that all of the above things help and your daughter's school life improves.

4:09 AM